Emma Jefferys from Action Woman, shares with us her very personal baby loss journey and explains where you can find help and support, if baby loss has affected you directly.
I imagine most people understand that losing a baby is devastating, even if they haven’t been there themselves. But I always wonder if they understand what a desperately lonely journey it is. When I lost my first baby at 12 weeks the loneliness was borne out of the fact that my perfect, exciting secret that I thought I was sharing with the world today was now bad news to break, was now a 1 in 4 statistic, was now the end of a much wanted pregnancy.
When my daughter was then stillborn I experienced a whole new depth of loneliness. On the one hand you are a parent like every other parent. You delivered your child into this world. You love them unconditionally. They take up their space in your head and your heart, daily. And yet unlike every parent they came into this world silently. Your love is confined to thoughts not hugs and kisses. And whilst they are your everything, the world does not get to see or know them. People are scared of grief that huge. They shy away from the pain and the horror of it all. They don’t want to look at photos or talk about the birth or know what poem was at the funeral. They don’t want to talk in case they say the wrong thing. They care but they struggle to know how to be there.
So I cannot imagine the added loneliness of losing a much wanted baby at any stage in the last year. The fear, the grief, the pain compounded by the lack of human contact and the restrictions. I don’t know where I would have been without my mum scooping me into her arms for so many tear-stained hugs , without my husband by my side at the hospital. And yet this has been the reality for so many bereaved families recently.
And yet you do not need to walk that dark and painful path alone. There are a whole team of bereaved parents ready to walk alongside you, to pick you up when you stumble, to lead you towards brighter days. The Tunbridge Wells branch of SANDS (the Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Society) hold monthly support sessions for anyone who has lost a baby. These sessions are currently online and provide a safe space to be supported by people who truly understand, to meet others on the same journey, to be heard and listened too whole-heartedly. Knowing what a rollercoaster pregnancy after loss is, we also hold a group with the amazing bereavement midwife team for those expecting again. You can also access our support through our closed Facebook groups, email or our support line. You really do not have to do this alone.
Perhaps you are reading this as the friend or relative of someone who has lost a baby recently and you feel a bit helpless and unsure how to support them. Here are 4 thoughts that might help:
1) If you know someone who has lost a child why not reach out to them, acknowledge that child, use their name. People are often afraid they may cause hurt. We say it is the death of that child that causes the pain and we can’t change that, hearing them remembered and acknowledged is joyful.
2) Don’t try to fix it with words – things like “it happened for a reason” or “you’ll have another baby” cause great pain. If you are not sure what to say then just a simple “I’m so sorry” or “you must miss them so much” is a beautiful place to start.
3) This is a lifelong loss. This baby will be missing forever and milestones will be painful. Anniversaries, due dates, should-have-been-starting-school dates, Mother’s Day. Acknowledge them when you can. The fear that these children will be forgotten can be hard and the grieving feels even harder when no-one recognises you are struggling, maybe years after the loss.
4) Light a candle. Light a candle in memory of all the babies who are not where they should be in their parents hearts. And if you are lighting one for a specific child then let the parent know. Let’s spread some light and love.
